Meaningful Relationships, Dementia and a A Simple Shift in our Speech
Change is not easy, but a simple shift in our speech can result in someone living with dementia to feel understood and respected, thus, minimizing disagreements and frustrations that causes families and friends so much stress and anxiety. Communication is simply the act of sharing information with one another person. People living with Alzheimer’s disease or other types of dementia often have difficulty sharing thoughts and facts accurately.
Conflicts and arguments can happen quickly when we fail to really understand the challenges that communication can bring for someone living with dementia. If we continue to use the same conversation skills that we have always used, the person with dementia may not understand those same skills.
Because the connections between neurons in the brain breakdown or the brain atrophy in Alzheimer’s disease, it is impossible for the person with dementia to remember facts accurately, or stop delusional thinking by seeing or hearing something that is not real. The person is unable to change their behavior, so we MUST change ours if we want to create an environment that promotes well-being.
Below are simple changes we can begin to practice when interacting with our family member with dementia. Practice is the key word, because this does not happen overnight. But once you get the hang of the “new you,” your confidence will improve and you can tackle the harder things.
- Please take the word “remember” out of your vocabulary. If the person could remember they would, but when they are questioned about something and they don’t remember, they feel shame, embarrassment, and sadness perhaps because the person feels they have disappointment you, and are only reminded they have dementia. Just look at their facial expression next time you forget and question whey they don’t remember something. It is truly heart breaking.
- Put your ego aside! If your family member thinks that he/she got married in 1982 instead of actually 1942, let it go. The person may simply want to enjoy reminiscing about the wedding. Facts are not important, but feelings are. Avoid correcting the dates, places, etc, and just go with the flow and enjoy the time “conversing” about a pleasant memory with the person. Avoid being a constant corrector and
- You can repeat your self, talk louder, demand for them to remember, or even scold them for asking the same question over and over, but it is impossible to make a person remember when they cannot. Memory loss is not just forgetting events, the person also has difficulty storing or retrieving memories, such as being unable to recall eating breakfast. Getting mad and showing your frustration can easily erupt into a disagreement.
- Have you ever been accused by your family member of taking something such as their glasses or purse? With a quick apologize, “Dad I am so sorry, I took your glasses to clean them, I’ll get them.” This will buy you time to find the glasses or the item your family member misplaced.
These simple strategies will help create a more loving, compassionate and safe environment for your family member. Yes, it is very hard for us to apologize for things we didn’t do, avoid correcting a fact, or taking the blame to divert a conflict, but what is really important in life? It is so necessary to let go of your agenda, and help your family member feel understood and accepted
Putting more value in being kind and compassionate over the need “to be right,” can make this difference in maintaining meaningful relationships.
If you would like more information on our Memory Ministry, Memory Cafe, support, or workshops, please contact Vicky Pitner at vpitner@firstumc.org